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Miami New Times

Contact Us,Not only is Miami a sanctuary for con artists, mobsters, and hit men, it is a well documented haven for such ne'er do wells. Allman, along with innumerable novelists, have vividly detailed the hazards of life on the edge of the Everglades.

But it is also carjacking, criminal mischief, and extortion.

Thank heaven for the Miami Herald.

More specifically, thank heaven for "Police Report," the liveliest regular feature of Florida's foremost daily newspaper, as the Herald likes to call itself. With its single paragraph parables of crime, served up unleavened and with deliberate understatement, "Police Report" provides a gauge of our community's sociological health. Grittier than any flamingo and palm tree embossed novel, these bite size morsels portray day to day life in Miami the sexual obsessions, the drugs, the awkward assimilation of cultures .

A man was robbed at knifepoint as he spoke on a public phone at the Amoco gas station in Coral Gables. The victim, 43, said the robber approached him from behind and demanded his property. The victim could not understand exactly what he said because he only speaks Spanish, and the robber only spoke English. Instead, the victim dropped a $5 plastic gas tank with $3 of gasoline and ran through the parking lot, away from the robber, who picked up the property and left the area.

They also provide the novelists a lesson in good writing. Herald reporters scour paperwork at police stations across Dade County, then mold the just the facts data into compellingly simple paragraphs suitable for publication. (Victims' names, for instance, are always excised.) Active words energize descriptive first sentences. Setting, conflict, climax, and denouement typically unfold in 30 words or less. All in a format wonderfully free of context or conclusions. What happened: A man stole his friend's car while the friend was suffering an epileptic seizure. Why it happened: Good luck guessing.

The only downside is that the reports appear in the twice weekly Neighbors section, a seven headed cartier love bracelet serpent that chooses its news with a pronounced bias toward the region in which the section is distributed. In other words, the exploits of Homestead's "cigarette bandit" aren't likely to waft up to Surfside, and transgressions related to Miami Beach's famed parking problem seldom get towed into Sweetwater.

More's the pity.

In an effort to unite our disparate communities, New Times undertook the heroic fake Cartier love bracelet gold and diamond task of reading, for eight months in a row, the "Police Report" columns from all seven Neighbors editions. From this pile of papers we have culled the following one paragraph portraits of Miami (only lightly edited by us for continuity). When she asked what he was doing, he said, "Nothin'. Nothin'." Nothing was taken.

A man smashed the passenger's side window and entered a 1985 Mercedes 300D parked at an office building in Coral Gables, stealing a $350 radio. A witness said he saw the thief "tugging on something" inside the car and asked him, "Hey, what are you doing?" The thief responded: "What does it look like?" The man got into a 1982 Camaro and sped off.

A police officer witnessed two vandals spray painting graffiti outside the Baymar Ocean Resort in Miami Beach. when the vandals spotted the patrol car heading their way, and the man tried to hide the spray can. The couple then got into a car parked nearby and the man put a can of black spray paint into the back seat as the patrol car pulled up behind them. When the couple got out of the car at the officer's request, the man said, "I don't want trouble, man. We painted that wall." Alexander Valdez, 21 of Hialeah, and Barbara Reyes, 22, of Miami were charged with criminal mischief.

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A robber pointed a gun at a man who was walking along NW 79th Street and said, "Give me your money." The replica cartier love bracelet cheap victim turned over his wallet, which contained $20 and identification.

A man who had asked to use the restroom at American Honda Finance Corporation in Miami instead went inside the key room and took the keys to a 1994 dark green Acura Legend valued at $25,000 and drove off.

Somebody stole three firearms from a home near the Broward border. The burglar pried open metal bars and smashed a basement window to get into the residence. He stole a twelve gauge shotgun and a .22 caliber silver Smith Wesson. The guns are valued at $1000.
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