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Whitney Cummings
So, I a little obsessed. I get obsessed about things. You know this. I know this. Lets just be cool about it.
My current fixation is women and how we want jewelry as gifts. A friend of mine and I were talking about the Cartier bracelet and how we both wanted one and I was trying to figure out why. I mean, I not your typical girl who wants jewelry and diamonds and the big white dress and all the fairy tale nonsense. I mean, I do want diamonds and big white dresses but not necessarily to wear to a wedding. I could just wear them to Medieval times or something. I not a brainwashed wedding/romance bot: everyone in my family is divorced, some of them up to four times, I expect pretty much every man to cheat on me or fail me somehow, I dress like Jackie from Roseanne, and oftentimes find myself violently relating to Tilda Swinton.
Then I was thinking if I want this stupid bracelet why don i just buy the fucking thing for myself? I can afford it as long as I cool not having health insurance. But then I realized why women want jewelry to be from guys. We want jewelry from you guys because we want to be reminded that you aren a total idiot. Let me be more clear. You guys can be morons. You forget meaningful shit, you fall alseep while we opening up to you, you have hair growing out of moles in really random gross places, and you ogle every girl that walks by. Guys, seriously, you have to stop doing this when you with your girl. You watch porn all day and Google Kim Kardashian all night; do you really need to stare at random stranger ass at 2:30 on a Sunday when you having lunch with your girlfriend or wife? Let class it up. Let all pump it up a notch on the gentleman scale. Anyway, when you do these dumb things, it very helpful to us to have something we can look to that reminds us that you have redeeming qualities and that you great, but are simply and occasionally a victim of testosterone and media programming. You been brainwashed. It not your fault. You invested in us. You got us a bracelet or something that is a reminder that you mean well even though I know you gave my friend an unnecessary hug just so you could feel her boobs. You bought the house but every now and then you forget to water the lawn is all. This bracelet is going to help me give you the benefit of the doubt. Like if I see a red bump I think hair instead of dick gave me herpes."
We do things to remind you that we love you: we let you not remove your ex girlfriends shit from your house for like two years after you broken up, we have sex with you when you want, or don have sex with you when we want because you an idiot and jerked off to some random slut because we got home an hour too late.
Guys, I on your side. I want to help you understand why we like this and I also want to help you conquer life because a lot of you are bombing. Think of how many arguments you win if you could just be like "Oh, really!? You don trust me? Then why did I buy you that bracelet!? I didn love you then why did I get you that bracelet! If anything, see it as an argument aborter. You welcome.
The fact is, whenever I see a girl wearing one of these bracelets my first thought its someone loves her. Don you guys want someone thinking that about your girl? It weird because I don even say that when I see a girl with an engagement ring on. When I see an engagement ring on I just assume a woman is amazingly manipulative. When I see an engagement ring on a woman I just think, she good. I am aware that my parents should take 100% of the blame for this.
And on a less twisted note, we want stuff you bought us on our bodies because we proud of you despite how embarrassing you can be. We want people to ask who gave the jewelry to us so we can say you did! We want to show everyone how good you can be when you not drunk, stoned, late, checking out random women in front of our faces, forgetting our immediate family members names, and having passwords on your computer and phone so we don see what sort of filthy stuff you doing when we not home. We want ourselves and other people to see past that and to know about those couple moments a week you tender and thoughtful.
Just remember, every fight will end with Kay.
Okay you guys, last night i got a stern talking to that my blog posts are too long and too insane so I going to try to make this short. So, I never watch TV, which is why the only thing I can really blog about is my vagina, other peoples vaginas, and things people put in their vaginas. I pretty much bomb at the water cooler. But the Real Housewives of DC has been haunting me; probably because I from DC and also happen to love judging over accessorized women who are still wearing lip liner an easy inch above their actual lip. This also explains my fondness of Kathy Lee Gifford.
A couple quick side notes before I get to my main obsession about the show.
1) I love the girl Stacie. Like, I want to be friends with her. She the black one, but I sure you already knew that by the spelling of her name. She like the Traci Bingham of the show except not an unemployed slut.
2) I love how when the one who has five kids (too lazy to keep Googling their names) has her maid come around, the show plays salsa music. Racist or festive?
Now, the person I really obsessed with is this Michaele woman. First of all, her real name is absolutely something like Tammy or Tina. Let be serious. I just can get this woman out of my mind and it has nothing to do with the party crashing thing. That whole drama only got me interested in her teeth because they seem to look different from every angle and because she oddly incredibly proud of them. I mean, this woman smiles when she arguing with people. It a really confusing, psychotic approach. I mean, I hardly smile when I on Ativan.
Appearance wise, she like Anne Coulter without the education or respected reputation from assholes. She has a tan yet chalky face and is really trying to do the Lisa Loeb dark nude lipstick thing, but it just sort of makes her look like a dead person. And the way her layered hair is blown into her face, just slightly always grazing her eyes and lips causes me a tremendous amount of anxiety. Is it going to stick to her lip gloss??? Is it going to obscure her vision??? I mean she must constantly feel like she walking through a spider web. Stress. She also has a surprisingly deep voice that doesn match her face, which always makes me feel a little betrayed. She obviously very pretty, but because she polished up trailer trash, she puts a lot of effort into looking as bad as she possibly can.
We know that she married a rich guy she met while working at fake cartier love bracelet white gold the make up counter at Nordstrom. Dark. I guess I just love that since she doesn come from money she doing what she thinks rich people do: she has an assistant even though she doesn have a job, she wears riding pants and a lot of white, she loves champagne and has a french manicure. It like she basing the way she lives on what she saw in Silver Spoons. I have more to say about her and about my theory that she has a tape worm, but my goal is to make this short so my friends don yell at me, so I going to rip myself away from this and continue laughing at this photo of her and Matt Damon I just found.
So, the Roast of David Hasselhoff has yielded a saga. A shit storm, folks. I trying to figure out if I went to far, if I did the right thing, if I a complete asshole, if my karms is completely fucked, etc. Somebody tweeted a video they recorded of cartier ring replica cheap my set the night it aired and I read the comments to see what people I don know and who don have an obligation to be nice to me were saying to see if I could get some perspective. Let me just start by saying I learned a lot by reading YouTube comments.
1) Reading them makes me realize that I actually am pretty good at spelling.
2) All people are secretly horrible assholes.
3) After all this time, nobody knows where to put the apostrophe when nouns are plural and also own something.
4) The dumber someone is and the more meaningless their comment, the more exclamation marks they use.
5) The letter S has pretty much been replaced by three Z came across a particular string of comments that literally cracked me up. This is actually a pretty innocuous page (the other ones had more comments about fake cartier love bracelet me being a talentless skank and having a penis.) Read this one from the bottom to the top. I love how has no idea what the hell is going on. He the only person who has no idea what the hell he commenting on, but is also the only person who uses punctuation.
It not often that I can seriously say America sucks less. But today I actually can say that because a new, more effective morning after pill is now available. Well, it was approved by the FDA a weeks ago but I been too busy having sex with strangers without condoms while I ovulating to blog about it until now. Gone are the days where I have to use the Secret as a form of birth control. And when the Secret fails, I no longer have to resort to prayer or Facebooking my gynecologist on the weekends.
I don even know what I more excited about: the presence of this pill or the absence of condoms. Condoms are terrible. They full of chemicals and they make manage to make penises look weirder and more slimy than they already are. They do hide the creepy veins so I appreciate that, but they really are embarrassing for everyone involved. And how did they manage to make condoms taste worse than dicks? The only thing that tastes worse than condoms are those buttered popcorn jelly bellies. I mean, those things are complete assholes.
So this pill is pretty much life changing if you a whore. The only thing that annoys me is that it called Ella, and now I have my umbrella ella ella in my head. Ella can prevent or delay ovulation, prevent an egg from being fertilized, and prevent a fertilized egg from being implanted. I don know what any of that shit means and I don give a flying fetus. I just know that I don have to take any more emergency trips to Canada. You can use Ella up to five days after unprotected sex (the Plan B pill was only three days), which is great for me because sometimes I get so caught up in trying to make Zima popsicles and Googling myself that I forget about that mediocre unprotected sex I had last week.
So, ladies, the days are gone when you have to worry about getting pregnant if you didn use a condom. Now all you have to worry about his herpes, AIDS, HIV, chlamydia anal warts, crabs, pink eye, and carpel tunnel syndrome.
Here are the jokes from the Comedy Central Roast of David Hasselhoff that didn make broadcast that I did on Howard Stern this morning.
Seth mcfarlane. You officially done the impossible. You a multi millionaire, you created successful shows, you can help my career, yet I still don want to fuck you.
What a bunch of idiots. I haven seen this many dicks up close since pilot season.
Jerry springer, george Hamilton. Everyone up here is so old. I didn realize comedy central demographic was heaven.
So, I a little obsessed. I get obsessed about things. You know this. I know this. Lets just be cool about it.
My current fixation is women and how we want jewelry as gifts. A friend of mine and I were talking about the Cartier bracelet and how we both wanted one and I was trying to figure out why. I mean, I not your typical girl who wants jewelry and diamonds and the big white dress and all the fairy tale nonsense. I mean, I do want diamonds and big white dresses but not necessarily to wear to a wedding. I could just wear them to Medieval times or something. I not a brainwashed wedding/romance bot: everyone in my family is divorced, some of them up to four times, I expect pretty much every man to cheat on me or fail me somehow, I dress like Jackie from Roseanne, and oftentimes find myself violently relating to Tilda Swinton.
Then I was thinking if I want this stupid bracelet why don i just buy the fucking thing for myself? I can afford it as long as I cool not having health insurance. But then I realized why women want jewelry to be from guys. We want jewelry from you guys because we want to be reminded that you aren a total idiot. Let me be more clear. You guys can be morons. You forget meaningful shit, you fall alseep while we opening up to you, you have hair growing out of moles in really random gross places, and you ogle every girl that walks by. Guys, seriously, you have to stop doing this when you with your girl. You watch porn all day and Google Kim Kardashian all night; do you really need to stare at random stranger ass at 2:30 on a Sunday when you having lunch with your girlfriend or wife? Let class it up. Let all pump it up a notch on the gentleman scale. Anyway, when you do these dumb things, it very helpful to us to have something we can look to that reminds us that you have redeeming qualities and that you great, but are simply and occasionally a victim of testosterone and media programming. You been brainwashed. It not your fault. You invested in us. You got us a bracelet or something that is a reminder that you mean well even though I know you gave my friend an unnecessary hug just so you could feel her boobs. You bought the house but every now and then you forget to water the lawn is all. This bracelet is going to help me give you the benefit of the doubt. Like if I see a red bump I think hair instead of dick gave me herpes."
We do things to remind you that we love you: we let you not remove your ex girlfriends shit from your house for like two years after you broken up, we have sex with you when you want, or don have sex with you when we want because you an idiot and jerked off to some random slut because we got home an hour too late.
Guys, I on your side. I want to help you understand why we like this and I also want to help you conquer life because a lot of you are bombing. Think of how many arguments you win if you could just be like "Oh, really!? You don trust me? Then why did I buy you that bracelet!? I didn love you then why did I get you that bracelet! If anything, see it as an argument aborter. You welcome.
The fact is, whenever I see a girl wearing one of these bracelets my first thought its someone loves her. Don you guys want someone thinking that about your girl? It weird because I don even say that when I see a girl with an engagement ring on. When I see an engagement ring on I just assume a woman is amazingly manipulative. When I see an engagement ring on a woman I just think, she good. I am aware that my parents should take 100% of the blame for this.
And on a less twisted note, we want stuff you bought us on our bodies because we proud of you despite how embarrassing you can be. We want people to ask who gave the jewelry to us so we can say you did! We want to show everyone how good you can be when you not drunk, stoned, late, checking out random women in front of our faces, forgetting our immediate family members names, and having passwords on your computer and phone so we don see what sort of filthy stuff you doing when we not home. We want ourselves and other people to see past that and to know about those couple moments a week you tender and thoughtful.
Just remember, every fight will end with Kay.
Okay you guys, last night i got a stern talking to that my blog posts are too long and too insane so I going to try to make this short. So, I never watch TV, which is why the only thing I can really blog about is my vagina, other peoples vaginas, and things people put in their vaginas. I pretty much bomb at the water cooler. But the Real Housewives of DC has been haunting me; probably because I from DC and also happen to love judging over accessorized women who are still wearing lip liner an easy inch above their actual lip. This also explains my fondness of Kathy Lee Gifford.
A couple quick side notes before I get to my main obsession about the show.
1) I love the girl Stacie. Like, I want to be friends with her. She the black one, but I sure you already knew that by the spelling of her name. She like the Traci Bingham of the show except not an unemployed slut.
2) I love how when the one who has five kids (too lazy to keep Googling their names) has her maid come around, the show plays salsa music. Racist or festive?
Now, the person I really obsessed with is this Michaele woman. First of all, her real name is absolutely something like Tammy or Tina. Let be serious. I just can get this woman out of my mind and it has nothing to do with the party crashing thing. That whole drama only got me interested in her teeth because they seem to look different from every angle and because she oddly incredibly proud of them. I mean, this woman smiles when she arguing with people. It a really confusing, psychotic approach. I mean, I hardly smile when I on Ativan.
Appearance wise, she like Anne Coulter without the education or respected reputation from assholes. She has a tan yet chalky face and is really trying to do the Lisa Loeb dark nude lipstick thing, but it just sort of makes her look like a dead person. And the way her layered hair is blown into her face, just slightly always grazing her eyes and lips causes me a tremendous amount of anxiety. Is it going to stick to her lip gloss??? Is it going to obscure her vision??? I mean she must constantly feel like she walking through a spider web. Stress. She also has a surprisingly deep voice that doesn match her face, which always makes me feel a little betrayed. She obviously very pretty, but because she polished up trailer trash, she puts a lot of effort into looking as bad as she possibly can.
We know that she married a rich guy she met while working at fake cartier love bracelet white gold the make up counter at Nordstrom. Dark. I guess I just love that since she doesn come from money she doing what she thinks rich people do: she has an assistant even though she doesn have a job, she wears riding pants and a lot of white, she loves champagne and has a french manicure. It like she basing the way she lives on what she saw in Silver Spoons. I have more to say about her and about my theory that she has a tape worm, but my goal is to make this short so my friends don yell at me, so I going to rip myself away from this and continue laughing at this photo of her and Matt Damon I just found.
So, the Roast of David Hasselhoff has yielded a saga. A shit storm, folks. I trying to figure out if I went to far, if I did the right thing, if I a complete asshole, if my karms is completely fucked, etc. Somebody tweeted a video they recorded of cartier ring replica cheap my set the night it aired and I read the comments to see what people I don know and who don have an obligation to be nice to me were saying to see if I could get some perspective. Let me just start by saying I learned a lot by reading YouTube comments.
1) Reading them makes me realize that I actually am pretty good at spelling.
2) All people are secretly horrible assholes.
3) After all this time, nobody knows where to put the apostrophe when nouns are plural and also own something.
4) The dumber someone is and the more meaningless their comment, the more exclamation marks they use.
5) The letter S has pretty much been replaced by three Z came across a particular string of comments that literally cracked me up. This is actually a pretty innocuous page (the other ones had more comments about fake cartier love bracelet me being a talentless skank and having a penis.) Read this one from the bottom to the top. I love how has no idea what the hell is going on. He the only person who has no idea what the hell he commenting on, but is also the only person who uses punctuation.
It not often that I can seriously say America sucks less. But today I actually can say that because a new, more effective morning after pill is now available. Well, it was approved by the FDA a weeks ago but I been too busy having sex with strangers without condoms while I ovulating to blog about it until now. Gone are the days where I have to use the Secret as a form of birth control. And when the Secret fails, I no longer have to resort to prayer or Facebooking my gynecologist on the weekends.
I don even know what I more excited about: the presence of this pill or the absence of condoms. Condoms are terrible. They full of chemicals and they make manage to make penises look weirder and more slimy than they already are. They do hide the creepy veins so I appreciate that, but they really are embarrassing for everyone involved. And how did they manage to make condoms taste worse than dicks? The only thing that tastes worse than condoms are those buttered popcorn jelly bellies. I mean, those things are complete assholes.
So this pill is pretty much life changing if you a whore. The only thing that annoys me is that it called Ella, and now I have my umbrella ella ella in my head. Ella can prevent or delay ovulation, prevent an egg from being fertilized, and prevent a fertilized egg from being implanted. I don know what any of that shit means and I don give a flying fetus. I just know that I don have to take any more emergency trips to Canada. You can use Ella up to five days after unprotected sex (the Plan B pill was only three days), which is great for me because sometimes I get so caught up in trying to make Zima popsicles and Googling myself that I forget about that mediocre unprotected sex I had last week.
So, ladies, the days are gone when you have to worry about getting pregnant if you didn use a condom. Now all you have to worry about his herpes, AIDS, HIV, chlamydia anal warts, crabs, pink eye, and carpel tunnel syndrome.
Here are the jokes from the Comedy Central Roast of David Hasselhoff that didn make broadcast that I did on Howard Stern this morning.
Seth mcfarlane. You officially done the impossible. You a multi millionaire, you created successful shows, you can help my career, yet I still don want to fuck you.
What a bunch of idiots. I haven seen this many dicks up close since pilot season.
Jerry springer, george Hamilton. Everyone up here is so old. I didn realize comedy central demographic was heaven.
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